The past week...

... the past week was just absolute crap.

But this week is much much better already. :)

Last week's high (or low?) lights...

Encounter with rabid raccoon - which Dean shot.
Quarantine of dog due to rabid raccoon.
Nightmares about girls and dog and rabid raccoon.
(Rabid raccoon's suck. a lot.)

Worrying about being subpoenaed for a child custody case.
(God totally took care of me in this hassle - was excused this week! HUGE relief, as I had neither the time, or money, or child care to do this...)

Our income level has dropped quite dramatically due to my job change - last week bills were raised as well. AAAARGH.
However...

This week, Dean's gotten close to 40 hours of overtime!

(Sad because I haven't gotten to see him lately with all of the extra work he's been doing - but we are going on a date tomorrow! Yay! Also yay for the overtime pay!)

Dean's birthday - the smoke billowing over us from the Great Dismal Swamp wildfire woke me up at 5 AM to search the house in case it was here with us.
We went to a pig roast at a friend's house. It was nice, despite finally getting a bit of rain (first time in ages, go figure! LOL) But overall, it was a disappointing birthday for him and me... I wanted to surprise him/do something special, but mission not accomplished. The girls and I got him a huge balloon bouquet and went to the fire station to surprise him the day before his birthday. He was with a patient who had just walked on in - so no dramatic rushing in and fun. It was rather a letdown... (not to mention I also had gotten him a peach milkshake from chic fil a since he loves them and he arrived at the hospital just as we were heading back to West Point with it. Drat. It was just kind of blah. Finally today I made his birthday pina colada cake (after searching all over for blasted cream of coconut).

Major last week thing that tied it all up and transported us into this week...

Complete spiritual meltdown on my part.
Allow me to explain...

I tend to get rather drained emotionally over the horrific and unfair pain and suffering in the world today. The entire societal collapse that we witness pretty much anywhere we dare to really look just got the better of me.

I've read bits of the Rob Bell Love Wins book, I've read Francis Chan's Erasing Hell, I've read the Bible on it, done internet research read any book, article, essay, etc. that I could get my hands on (even before the latest books came out... this "journey" began a couple of years ago for me - could God possibly be bringing many of us on the same journey in the same time frame?!). What of the 22 year old prostitute, born into brothels by a mother born into brothels, abused in every conceivable way since birth, dying young of the abuse and disease, which is all she's ever known. But she'll suffer eternal torment? She was born from torment into torment. At the very least, isn't hell destroyed? Christ defeated hell and death when he conquered over them by the cross. And what about the verse that says not to be afraid of the person who can destroy your body, but rather fear God who can destroy your body and soul... Destroy is final, not ongoing. Just because a fire will not be quenched does not mean that human suffering cannot be.

Here's what I've concluded:

We have no freaking clue.
We don't.

I walk away at the end of the day with "I believe in God, I believe He sent His Son Jesus Christ as the Sacrifice for our sins - as our Redeemer. I believe that God IS love, and I believe and rely fully on His grace", but I cannot make a dogmatic statement one way or another past that!

Surely there is truth in at least some aspect of both views...
Hell is separation from God, and an absence of Him - utter darkness - despair - pain - suffering
Isn't that what countless millions go through now?
Isn't God (ultimately LOVE) the only answer?
There is NO other solution for what we face today...

No other solution for our own selfishness, for the famine, for the rape, the human trafficking, for the unborn children who are murdered, and the mothers who feel they have no choice. There is no other solution for emotional pain, devastating poverty, filth, corruption....

Jesus is it! And because we are to live in the power of God through the Holy Spirit He sent, we are it! Through Him!

I've wanted to be a minister/involved in vocational church ministry since childhood. This is because I've wanted to be hands-on, making a difference. The problem I've run into is that the lines tend to get blurred. It can be very difficult to inspire lives of radical transformation/reformation/purity/love when so often it isn't the lifestyle promoted at home - not only not promoted, but in too many cases, worked against!

I've found it very difficult lately to balance sold out for the Kingdom of Heaven with being relevant here and now.

I looked up "Modern Day Amy Carmichael" the other day. One example came up that caught my attention - a pastor had written about two couples that he was friends with. They took their profession - business sense, etc. and gave everything up, and moved to Cambodia and began an orphanage which was desperately needed.

That's what I want to do. Something hands on. But how does that happen? I began writing a quick email to the pastor, and as I did, I was writing about how I know my job here is of vast importance, and cited examples.... and never got to the BUT.

Could it be that in many ways we are becoming the darkest nation of all? Or just falling into line with the rest of them? It's no secret that other countries are sending missionaries here... but am I part of the problem?

Yes! I am.

And there are moments - like the one a few days ago - when it hits me just how disgusting my own life and lifestyle is. When I realize how much I deny Christ by my actions and thoughts. When I feel utterly and completely lost and hopeless, because nothing good I try to do will ever ever ever make up for the part of me that does it for approval from those around me, for the part of me that resents it, fights against it, thinks evil while plotting good...

I don't want to be double-minded and thus unstable in all my ways... but like Paul said "the good I want to do I don't do and what I don't want to do I do" (Robyn paraphrase...)

And since God knows my motives, the depths of the thoughts and intents of my heart, and says that if you hate someone that is like murdering someone, and knows the unforgiveness I hold on to, the murder I commit in my heart or with my tongue, and it says that liars, murderers, adulterers, thieves, etc. will not enter into the Kingdom of Heaven, I sometimes feel desperately without hope. As though, what's the point... my righteousness is like filthy rags anyway. Why bother doing "this", when "this" cancels it out essentially.

But it also says in the Bible "it is by grace that we have been saved - through faith, and not by works so no one can boast..."

I watched the movie Hidden Secrets 2 days ago. God knew I needed it! What a beautiful picture of grace and love versus religion and legalism! Of faith vs. despair. Of the struggle of 'faith vs. we are Christian and therefore perfect' mentality that too often prevails in certain circles today!

So, though I wish I had a clearer picture of eternity, of this life ebbing into the next, I fall on His grace.

I want to please God, because I do love Him, and miraculously He loves me.

I'm frustrated by what I don't understand, but Dean reminded me, as I cried about feeling like such a hypocrite, questioning everything and working in a church as though I had the answers... he reminded me that we are all on this journey together. And it is a journey. He reminded me that in today's reformation (and it is, indeed, that...), people are looking for reality, transparency, and not the perfect answer to every question - just a desire for the Truth of God, and searching it out together, journeying with one another.

And that's my desire.
Truth
Love
Grace...

God.